new beginnings

It is already September 4, and I don't know where the time has gone. I'm not going to lie to you, it's been strange settling in back at home. I miss Northern Ireland and my Irish friends and my Irish girls and my Irish family. I miss rolling green hills and sheep and driving on the wrong side of the road. I miss accents and paying in British Pounds and having everything be "wee" and "lovely". But home is good too. I love my straight wide highways, and lush wheat fields and endless blue skies. I love family and friends and Billy the dog. I love my niece/nephew who is yet to be born, and feeling him kick (yes, I am pretty certain it's a boy). I love that everything is so instantly normal, but at the same time, am scared that feeling so normal will result in laziness and lack of adventure. I must learn that home is an adventure too.

It's been a busy 3 1/2 weeks...I've been to Saskatoon for a wedding and saw many fantastic friends there. I've been to Toronto for another wedding and saw much of my wonderful family.

We rode the streetcar and took a bus tour and went up the CN Tower. We had a lingerie shower for the bride and ate a delicious Moroccan/Indian meal at their wedding reception.

We had fun and took pictures and made up a new game show titled "Which Auntie?" We think it will be a lot of fun at Thanksgiving when everyone comes here for Amy's wedding. I have been shopping in Brandon with sisters and aunties and bought a great pair of city shorts for only $10! That purchase made my day. Naturally.

I've been busy planning the Children's Ministry program at my church with another friend of mine, and so far it's going OK. A lot of work, but I am excited about it and am excited to get the kids excited about it! I've applied for a job as an "Instructional Assistant" at the school and had an interview and am waiting to hear back. I hope I get it. I will of course keep you posted.


Now fall is in the air and we are busy with wedding preparations (my sister's, not mine), and there is also the anticipation of Baby Claude coming to meet us in Ocotber. Again, not my baby, but my sister-in-law's. And no, Claude is only a nickname and not their chosen name. Never fear. And of course I am eager to start working, although of course in a few weeks I might not be so eager anymore, so I guess I had better enjoy the eagerness while it lasts. Granted I get the job, of course.



UPDATE: I got the job! I will be working in the Grade 5 classroom. That is all I know for now. Literally, I just got off the phone with the school. Hooray!!

ETA: one week

In one week I will be boarding the plane in Belfast, and touching down in Canada. My greatest fear is missing my connecting flight to Winnipeg, and having my homecoming be pushed back. (My other greatest fear about flying is not being able to hear the pilot on the speaker system. Sometimes they have really important things to say. And I really don't want to miss them.)

I have started packing a little bit, going through dresser drawers, throwing things away, tucking necklaces and earrings into socks, and then into shoes. I love this feeling of clearing out, getting rid of the old, moving forward.

I have butterflies in my stomach today. Fear of leaving this comfortable place, the people I've met, the friends I've connected with, the family I live with, the girls who make me laugh (and sometimes scream). But I also have overwhelming joy about coming home, about seeing my family and my friends, about re-connecting with those people, about seeing my pregnant sister-in-law, about planning my sister's wedding, about meeting the new little baby cousins, Lexie and Sage. Excitement about going out for ice cream with the family, getting some normal summer weather for a few weeks (as opposed to grey skies and rain), moving into Amy's house once she and Donny get married, throwing dinner parties (very small ones, as there are only 4 chairs in Amy's house!), buying new clothes, finding a new job. There is fear in those things as well, but it's a good fear.

I am coming home a different woman. I have learned and experienced much this year. I have read and understood, re-read and been enlightened. I went to the gym and sweat a lot and a new body emerged (oh yes, I'm quite hot). I am calling this year my "Irish Independence", for that is what it was. I became myself and loved it. There is still growing left to do, and I'm excited to move on from here, see what's next, see what else God has to teach me.

another potentially uncomfortable post...

once again, i'm going to share some intimate, deep, and powerful thoughts with you! i won't be hurt if you choose to click "back" at this moment and avoid the whole situation. blogs are supposed to be fun without any heavy thinking! but, since i am here in northern ireland without any close friends to share this with, you should read this anyway because you love me!

i've been feeling really good about being here lately. peaceful, even. i still have a desire for home, but it's different than it used to be. i can think of home and the flat prairies and the sunshine with a smile, not tears. it's knowledge that i AM going home. it's peace from God, and contentment. it's listening to country music and knowing that's where i belong.

i used to feel that staying home was boring and made me like everyone else. i have loved my travels and wouldn't trade them for anything. but God is teaching me that i am not defined by where i live or what i've done. it's hard to change your way of thinking - i think i'll always feel the pull of traveling, but hopefully, in the future, my purpose for traveling will be different. it will not be to chase a dream, an ideal, a new life. i'm not sure what my purpose will be! it might be several years before i travel again, i think i'm OK with that. it'll take some time to be happy with being at home, and not wishing i was somewhere else.

i'm really excited for God to create this new heart, mind, and soul in me. He's already begun. i can feel it. it's beautiful. a bit painful. but SO glorious. i'm overwhelmed that God, the God of earth and the universe, knows ME and wants and desires to love me. that's humbling. and i am so grateful, because i am nothing without Him.

i desire to be proud of who i am, who God created. so often, in my life, i have compared myself to other christian women. thinking, if only i had her patience, her sense of humour, her body, her hair, her public speaking skills....then i would be happy and joyful and get married and have babies and live on the farm. i spent most of my teens (and some of my 20's) wishing i was someone else. it's taken until now to understand that God made me exactly the way He wanted me! with my personality and skills and sense of humour (or lack of it, sometimes) and common sense. i shouldn't be ashamed of them. they're God's idea of LEAH. who am i to reject that?!? it doesn't mean i stop striving for godliness. it means loving myself the way i am and always, always growing - becoming the woman God intended. i'm learning that i'm a pretty sensational girl and i don't really want to be anyone else, anyway!

so it's a work in progress. each day is different and it doesn't necessarily get easier. but that's the christian walk, isn't it? it's not meant to be comfortable and easy, because earth is not our home! heaven is our home and glorious it will be.

a little out of the ordinary...

this post is going to be a little different than usual.
i don't normally share my heart's true emotions on my blog.
i won't go into a whole lot of detail, so don't be scared!

a few days into January i started reading "the purpose driven life". i had read it before, in bible school. i got to day 3, entitled "what drives your life?". halfway through the chapter, i read this paragraph:

"without a clear purpose, you will keep changing directions, jobs, relationships, churches, or other externals - hoping each will settle the confusion or fill the emptiness in your heart. You think, "Maybe this time it will be different," but it doesn't solve your real problem - a lack of focus and purpose."

this is my life, in a nutshell. i have been living it unthinkingly: as in, without thought. moving here, going there, working at this job, doing that job. anything that struck my fancy, i would do...usually without prayer or a consultation with God...i expected Him to keep up with me...thinking that when things went smoothly, it was meant to be! i did all of these new things hoping to find happiness, contentment, a husband, wonderful friends...i was chasing dreams, hoping that physical change would bring about a change in my heart, would bring me closer to God.

needless to say, it doesn't work that way. and yes, i have JUST figured that out. God has just revealed that to me and i finally GET IT. i can move to Timbuktu and i won't be any happier there. i used to pride myself in being a world traveler, seeking new experiences, meeting new people, seeing the sights. those things aren't wrong, but i guess it's the process of how you get to those places that matter.

so anyway, here i am, delighted in this new truth that i've discovered - that God has revealed to me. i'm feeling free, light, radiant and full of joy and anticipation as i step forward to grasp the blessings that God has in store for me.

so...

so...tomorrow i leave for Belfast. i am excited, but have started to get some butterflies in my stomach. i am eager to get this adventure started, and to get to the airport, etc. once i know it's actually happening, i know i'll be fine!

i've been packing and repacking my bags. i get a 20 kilo free baggage limit; anything over that is a charge of $10 per kilo, to a maximum of 32 kilos (70 lbs). Neil and Joanne, my Belfast mom and dad, have very kindly offered to repay me for anything i spend on the overweight charges (which, believe me, i will be taking advantage of), so that makes things a little easier to bear, but i am still having to take some things out to get it below the 70 lb mark. i know that 70 lbs sounds like a huge amount, but once you start getting shoes, clothes, 3 Harry Potter books (and i am restraining myself here, because i'd like to take the whole series, plus some Shopaholic books), and toiletries into your suitcase, it adds up quite quickly. plus my carry on can only weight 5 kilos (11 lbs), so after i got my laptop in there, there wasn't much left to work with. but as everyone has been reminding me, i can always buy things there, which is true, but it kills me to have to buy new things when i have a perfectly good option here at home that just didn't make the cut in the suitcase weigh down. but then again, this may be the best time to get up close and personal with European fashion, which is far advanced compared to Canadian fashion. i may just be doing myself a favor.

year's end

and so the year has come to a close. some new year "resolutions" - or really just a list of things i'd like to improve on in the coming year.

1) be more classy
2) always be myself (even if that means not being classy!)
3) always buy V-neck shirts (they look best on me)
4) cook more
5) start reading my Bible more
6) read more non-fiction
7) save more money
8) make more time for friends

i've realized almost everything i've written has the word "more" in it. why is more always better? what about less? what about watching less TV, or gossiping less, or judging others less, or critiquing less? i think less is often more.

what do you want more or less of?

happy new year.

Things on a List

taking a page out of Hillary's book:

1) I like when someone picks me up from work, so I don't have to walk home in the cold.
2) I'm not nearly as excited about Christmas as I used to be. For some reason, it is just not a big deal this year.
3) I have lost my birth certificate and my Manitoba Health Card and am hoping there isn't someone out there pretending to be me.
4) I am disappointed that Kandice and Dustin have gotten eliminated on "The Amazing Race". I really liked them. But I also like the boys and hope they win.
5) I am glad Caridee won on "America's Next Top Model".
6) I love wearing sweat pants.
7) I hate people who keep saying, "I know I am annoying, but..." What is annoying is that people keep saying they are annoying.
8) I have always wanted to buy those Christmas gift tags, that you just stick onto the present and write To and From. This year I finally bought some. I can't wait to use them!
9) I love reading Harry Potter.
10) I think about South Africa and TLC and my babies every day. I miss them. This is what I am missing.